Dear Josh,
I love you and I miss you very much.
I often wonder what is going through your mind regarding our relationship with each other.
You will be 18 years old in January. That’s amazing to think about all by itself. I can’t help but wonder where you are at in your thinking about contacting me.
I understand that you took the brunt of the assault to your memories and your love for me. For that, I am very sorry. It must have been brutal. I can’t even imagine all that you have been through son. The little that I do know was horrible enough. What happened to you and Nick should never have happened to any child anywhere.
But even after all that has happened, I also know that you were always intelligent and discerning. You also had strength of character and will, that should eventually help you to seek the truth about me, about us…
You are at a time and age in your life when no one can stop you from contacting me but you. Not your mother, the courts, or even the altered memories you may have about what really happened almost 11 years ago. Eleven years Josh.
In some ways it seems like a lifetime ago and in other ways it seems like just yesterday. I hope that someday you will remember how close we really were and what a great relationship we really had. We’ve had 11 years of our life together stolen from us Josh. Even when you know the truth, we can never get those years back. It makes me incredibly sad and at times very angry.
I want to ask something of you son. Sometime after your 18th birthday, I would like you to contact me.
You can send me an email, write me a letter, or you can call if you would like. I know that’s asking a lot of you but I am asking anyway. It may be scary for you and I know it’s a risk, but I think you will find that it will be worth it.
I am only asking you to contact me Josh. I am not asking you to pretend to be close to me or trust me. I am not asking you to betray your love for your mother either.
It is a risk for me to write this to you. It’s not easy to put myself in a position to be rejected by you either. All these years I have put myself out there for you and Nicholas. I have shared my heart with both of you with great transparency, in the face of complete rejection from you and massive opposition from your mother.
Please pray about this and consider it. Contact me when the time is right for you son. I look forward to hearing from you whenever you are ready. We have much to talk about and even though you may remember it differently right now, we always had a lot of fun together. We may have some difficult things to talk about and discuss but there is so much that I can share that will bring healing and freedom in your journey in this life and your walk with the Lord.
I want you to know I have told many people in the last decade that if I never saw you or Nick again in this life, I still thank God for every day and moment that I did have you in my life. It has been a privilege, honor and blessing to have you as my sons and it always will be. No matter what the future holds.
I want remind you of what I taught you and Nicholas as children:
1. How much do I love you?
With all my heart and soul
2. How long will I love you?
Forever
3. What could ever make me stop loving you?
Nothing
I meant it then and I still do. I love you Josh. I miss you every day. I pray for you always and give thanks to our God for you continually. You are one of the greatest blessings in my life. Not a day goes by that I don’t grieve your loss and pray that the Lord will transform this tragedy to a testimony of His greatness and plan for our lives.
Just like in the days of old in Joseph and Jacob’s life. God used what others intended for evil to bring about His plan to save the people that He loved. He used Joseph’s journey of pain (and separation from his father) to His ultimate glory and for His purposes. I am certain that our life and story is no different Josh. God can and will redeem what has happened to us. He is doing something much greater than we can see or discern.
In Psalm 139 it says that all of our days were recorded in the book before we were ever born. What happened to us was no accident or beyond His control. There are many places in scripture that God makes it abundantly clear that He is sovereign and that we are to lay our lives down and follow Him where ever He leads.
Our journey has been painful but we don’t have to prolong the pain. It is within your power to let Him bring healing to both of us. Please seek Him and trust that He can heal and set you free.
I love you son,
Dad
