I have answers to the questions you will have some day about what has happened to us. Even now, I struggle to discern what God would have me share with you, and what must remain a mystery until you are old enough to benefit from the truth that has been hidden from you. I will do my best to answer a few of the most important questions you must have, without burdening you with information that you aren't ready for yet.
Nicholas, you were only four and half years old when you were taken from me. I don't know how much you remember of our love for each other, or all of the time that we spent together. I will never forget holding you and kissing you and telling you how much I love you. We played together and prayed together. We continuously learned from each other. Being with you are some of the most treasured moments of my life. Even now as I write this letter, I can remember looking into each other's eyes while I held you close to me. I remember the special way that you said ''Daddy!'' when I walked into the room and you would jump into my arms. I miss your smile and love and warmth. When you were still very young, we talked about Jesus and heaven and hell. You asked Jesus into your heart and life. I thank God every day that both you and Joshua had Jesus to help you through the horrible experience of our separation. I pray for you every day, son. You are always in my heart even when you are not in my life.
Joshua, my precious son...how can I express what the loss of you in my life has meant to me? You were older than your brother when all of this began. We spent so much time together. I can't even imagine all that you have been put through. Because you were older, you had a better idea of what was really going on at home when I was not there. During counseling it was painfully apparent that ''something'' had changed your memories of our time together. I am so sorry, son. You have no concept of how hard I tried to stop all of this from happening.It is my hope that you remember the love and closeness that we shared. You, too, came to a very early knowledge of Jesus as your Lord and savior. It is the one thing that has kept me filled with hope: as much as I love both you and Nicholas....God loves you even more. Without that knowledge Joshua, I would not have survived. It's the only thing that has kept my spirit from being crushed. Do you and Nicholas remember what I constantly taught you?
Q. How much do I love you? A. With all my heart and soul.
Q. How long will I love you? A. Forever.
Q. What can you do to lose my love? A. Nothing.
I taught both of you these things long before your mother and I were ever divorced. It has never changed for me sons. All of those things are still true and always will be.
Before I explain anything else, I want to share something with both of you. In the research that I have done on divorce and parental alienation, it is common for children of divorce to think that maybe they could have stopped their mother and father from getting divorced. In case either of you have ever thought something like that, I want to assure you of a couple of things.
1). If having the best sons in the whole world could keep a marriage together, your mother and I would still be married.We were blessed to have both of you as our children. There is nothing that you could have done or should have done, that would have made a difference. Our divorce had nothing to do with you. You are awesome! We couldn't ask for better children.
Let me clarify a couple of things for you at this point:
When we were in counseling, you told Dr. Friedberg that I had ''abandoned'' you, that I had willingly ''left you and then changed my mind and started going to court to take you from your mother''. Why would anyone ever want you to believe something like that?
All I can say for now is this. I never ''abandoned'' either of you. I never willingly left your side. Someone got the court to issue an Order that made it illegal for me to be with you or contact you. I have written proof from the court itself. I can show it to you when you are ready.
I tried working through Friend of the Court (FOC) during our separation and after our divorce. I was unable to get any help protecting you from things that I found out were happening when I was not with you. (I realize that you have no idea what I am referring to right now, but some day you will learn the truth.) I wanted to be able to spend more time with you, not less. I sought several different legal solutions to this problem, but found out that FOC has almost an unlimited power over parents and their children once there is a divorce.
After much consideration, research and consultation with an attorney, I decided to attempt to bring this into international court. I was willing to give up everything for you boys. I would have sacrificed everything to be able to make sure that you were safe. Someday you will realize what this battle has really been about, and what it has cost me. My heart has been deeply wounded. I have been lied about, and misrepresented, and have lost almost every dollar I have ever earned fighting for your safety.
Although all I did was submit paperwork to legally challenge the court's jurisdiction (their power to make decisions about us), they treated me like a criminal. That explains why the authority figures in your life (teachers, police, etc.) told you that I was not allowed to be near you for all those years. There was a PPO (Personal Protection Order) against me, issued by the court. As you know, someone told them that I had threatened to kidnap you. The court kept the PPO in place for 3-1/2 years because of such a terrible accusation. I have since come to find out that this tactic is very common in child custody cases.
Please be encouraged by this as well. You are almost at the age where you can decide for yourself that you have a right to know more. Not even FOC will be able to stop you from exercising your constitutional rights.
There are people in your life that have not been truthful with you. Soon the time will come when you can see with your own eyes and hear with your own ears what has really happened. God already knows.
Even if you believe everything you have been told about me, you have a right to investigate for yourself and make your own decision once you have all of the facts.I welcome the opportunity to show you and let you listen to evidence of what was happening when I filed my paperwork with the courts. I have never hidden anything from either of you. I have nothing to hide. The only thing I have ever sheltered you from is the painful truth about people in your life that should be protecting you and are not. Why would anyone who is really telling you the truth be afraid of you knowing the whole truth? When you want to know the whole truth, I am here. I have the answers you are looking for.
2). In terms of your value and worth to me, I have suffered in every way possible because of my commitment and love for you. Yet, I do not consider any of it too high a price to pay. People have asked me when I will give up my quest to fulfill my role as your father, my answer is....never. Not until God himself takes me from this earth will I stop fighting to protect you from harm, to provide you with a Godly role model for you to follow, and to love and serve you. You are my sons.
God gave us to each other...not the court, not the state, not even your mother. My love for you transcends (goes beyond) what most people understand. Some people have even questioned my sanity (ability to think clearly and logically) because I have fought so diligently on your behalf. I would question my sanity if I did not!
One more thing Joshua and Nicholas, I believe that the Bible teaches that we are all accountable to God, for every word spoken and every action we take. A person may be able to get away with something for a very long time on this earth. But, eventually, there will come a time when we all will answer to God himself. That includes all of us...a parent, a judge or anyone else...eventually we will all have to answer to God (Hebrews 4:12 & 13).
I have not lived a life without mistakes, I don't know anyone besides Jesus that has. Yet, I can tell you this: I have done everything with integrity and honor concerning both of you. I have remained faithful to God and both of you as I have walked through this storm. God has been there since the beginning. He has been with you ever since. He has heard every truth and every lie that anyone has spoken. He alone knows what everyone's part in this has been. One day the truth will be revealed. I look forward to that day.
You are forever loved,
Dad
